As a married, childless woman I’m often asked when I’m going to start having babies. I always have the same reply, “I don’t give birth.” Usually women just smirk and say it’s just not the right time or I’ll change my mind. I’ve even been told that I’m being selfish. Is it selfish to not bring a child into the world that I don’t want?  I don’t think so. And besides, I have my reasons.

 

16 Reasons Why I Don’t Give Birth

 

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1. I Am Not Responsible Enough to Own a Child

I’m afraid I’d forget to water it. Or take it outside to do it’s business. Wrap it in a towel so it’s pipes won’t freeze – I don’t know what to do with babies!

2. Babies Are Like Craigslist Roommates…

Except in your womb. I’m not going to let somebody set up shop in my baby basket, no questions asked. I don’t know you. You want to move into this condo – I’m gonna need your social, first and last month’s rent, and a valid photo ID.

3. I’m Not Trying to Fuck Anybody Up

Raising a child is not a job I’m qualified for. I don’t even know what’d you put on the resumé. Peek-a-boo skills? Can carry a large watermelon for hours at a time? I don’t want someone to end up in therapy for the rest of their life because I didn’t know what in the hell I was doing.

4. Babies Are a Bad Investment

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The hospital bill alone is around $8000. That’s crazy! I’d rather have my baby at a clinical research study. You suckers pay me! After birth there’s the cost of – life. Food, diapers, toys, sports, broken limbs, braces, space camp, rehab, whatever. I could put the same money into an art collection and retire.

5. Pregnancy Sounds Overrated

Bellies are cute, but they come with a price. Like getting kicked in the stomach for no reason. Also, I don’t like peeing on myself. Or being nauseous. Eating is pretty fun though. And maternity pants sound awesome! Can I just wear those now?

6. Birth Sounds Like a Pain in the Puss

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You want me to push a what out of my what? And rip my hoobastank in two? No thank you!

7. I’d Name Them Something Dumb

I already have a few names in mind for the babies I’ll never have. My favorite is Inertia. That’s a girl. I just want to be able to say, “Inertia slow your ass down!”

8. Babies Don’t Have Chins

I don’t trust anyone without a chin.

9. I Can Just Borrow My Friend’s Babies

Baby Hendrix on loan.

 

Borrowed babies are the best! It’s like if being a mom had a return policy. You can love on them when they’re being sweet. But as soon as they act up, it’s back to customer service.

10. I’m Not Even Crazy About Wiping My Own Poop

I’ve never had to clean up anyone else’s shit before. I’d like to keep it that way.

11. I Don’t Have Enough Arms

How am I supposed to carry a purse, a diaper bag, and a baby?!? I mean I guess my husband could hold something, but what if he’s not there? I’m going to have to slide the baby along the floor with my foot.

12. I’d Blow All My Money On Baby Clothes

@engjiandy

 

I’m obsessed with fashion forward babies. Obsessed! I would literally spend every dime I had on having the best dressed baby. Then I’d have to patch their tiny clothes together so I’d have something to wear.

13. I Have NO Idea What Kind of Gender Reveal Party I’d Want

There’s too many options. Cakes. Colorful dust. Rockets to the moon. And what if my child is gender fluid? We’re going to have to throw a retraction party.

14. I’m Not Good With Converting Years Into Months

“My baby  is 7 months.” Aww so tiny. That’s definitely a young person you’ve got there.

“My baby  is 17 months.” So almost a year and a half? She’s not talking yet, so I guess that’s still a baby. Sure.

“My baby  is 37 months.” That’s too many months. Just tell me the day your baby was born and then we can talk about something else.

15. Strollers Are Satan

THIS does not look safe. eniyitasarim.com

 

I feel the same way about strollers that I do about pedicabs – If I’m not in it, it better be behind me. Watching people trying to get strollers upstairs, in elevators, or on subway breaks my heart. Especially when the kid’s not in it. Because you know his ass could just walk all day.

16. What If My Baby’s a Loser?

We don’t talk about it very often, but not everybody likes their kids. What if my baby sucks? What if my baby sees right through my ‘fake it till I make it’ parenting and has a few notes? What if he wants a mullet or she thinks women aren’t funny? It’s just not a risk that I’m willing to take.

Ok… 1 More!

17. It’s Entirely My Choice

Just as much as it’s a woman’s choice to birth all over the place. Different stokes y’all.

If you’re looking for a baby maker, I am not the one. Mothers are always telling me if I don’t have children than I’ll live to regret it. So far my biggest regret is that I wasn’t a better lesbian in college. Had my chance. Muffed it.

Speaking of babies, 10 Babies You Should Never Date!