I’m a 90’s baby. I love boy bands, inflatable furniture, and Unsolved Mysteries reruns. There were two guys I wanted to bang in the 90’s – Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zac Hanson.
I was a diehard Hanson fan from day one. I had 247 photos of them (mostly Zac) making a wallpaper collage in my room. That’s not an exaggeration. I spent an entire weekend counting them. I also had a giant JTT poster pinned to the ceiling. That way he would be the first man I saw when I woke up. We had a secret love song. It was by Shania Twain. I was twelve and I don’t apologize.
I never got to see Hanson in their prime. It’s left me with a lifetime of remorse. You can imagine my surprise when my friend, Sara, invited me to an intimate concert Hanson was doing for her radio show. I’m a firm believer in doing things for your inner child. Grown ass me definitely wanted to go, but this show was for preteen Nathalie. And she had ALL the feelings. Mostly sexual.
Just a quick Hanson rundown in case you’ve forgotten 1997.
Taylor – Lead Vocals and Keyboard. Looked like a girl.
Isaac – The Joey Fatone of Hanson. Guitar.
Zac – The Little One. Drums. Soul Mate material.
Ok, so the show. Let me start by saying, the Hanson fan base really needs to step up their fashion game up. Among the 40 of us, I saw greasy ponytails, dirty sweatshirts, WIND PANTS, and some woman was in a yellow Power Ranger costume. I can’t even. I rocked a little geo print dress with matching earrings.
The stage set up was very simple. Keys. Acoustic Guitar. And a wooden box for Zac to play instead of his drum set. They walked in and twelve year old Nathalie immediately suggested we remove our clothing and play doctor. I advised her to at least wait until we were propositioned. It didn’t take long.
Zac was sitting on the drum box with his legs spread wide open. He kept the beat to the songs by slapping the box just below his – “middle of nowhere.” I couldn’t help but stare. It was hypnotizing.I looked up thinking I should probably stop watching this guy’s balls vibrate. Suddenly, we locked eyes.
It was one of those moments, when it’s very obvious someone is trying to see what you’re working with. He looked me up and down and gave me a 90’s “what’s up” head nod. Preteen Nathalie had no idea how to handle this kind of attention, so grown ass Nathalie decided to take it from there. I gave him a coy smile with eyes that said, “It’s yours if you want it, dude.” He smiled, tilted his head to the side, and then proceeded to slap the drum box between his legs even more suggestively, which I didn’t know was possible.
Once he saw me, he never took his eyes off me. In fact, we ending up eye fucking for about three songs. It was pretty fun! And harmless. He’s married with 47 children, but that doesn’t mean he can’t look at the menu. I wasn’t going to let him order anything. Not really. But I was pretty curious about how far he’d take it.
The show was over and a line was forming to take pictures and get autographs. I’m no dummy, so I made sure I was last. I could hear them small talking with all the people. Boring! I have two modes with celebrity sightings – make you laugh and make you remember me. Because why not?
It was finally my turn. I introduced myself and Zac immediately put his arm around my waist. For the picture. Allegedly. The guys were very sweet. I told Taylor about my band, he pretended like he was going to remember and look us up. Adorable. I don’t remember what I said to Isaac but it tickled him. He has a great laugh. I told Zac that I hosted a boy band Sing-Along for Alamo Drafthouse and I made a “Zac, Stick it In!” glitter poster. “Oh reeeally?” he said and pulled me in tighter. I could feel his gaze, and I was going to have fun with it.
I looked up at him as if to say, “What are you gonna do about it, big boy?” His face softened and his eyes responded with an “I would if I could, but I can’t.” Good for husband control, bad for rock-n-roll. We started talking about Bill Withers’s drummer instead, but he never let go of me. I could feel his individual fingers on my waist. First base, preteen Nathalie. You finally made it.
We took pictures and they signed an autograph for me. Zac made sure to go last. Oh shit! Maybe he’d put something frisky on it, and I’d have proof! But he didn’t. Just Zac Hanson. I hugged each of them before I left.
Taylor said my band’s name again to prove he remembered.
Isaac high-fived me, “Thanks for coming, girl!”
Zac hit me with the one last set of hungry eyes again. “Nice to meet you, Nathalie.”
“This was a dream come true, you guys. I’m been wanting to do this for 15 years.” I said it to Hanson. But I was looking at Zac. He smile and winked at me.
My love affair with Zac Hanson was over. It was just an instant, dare I say – an MMMBOP. But it’s a darling memory that I’ll always be grateful for. I met my childhood celebrity crush and he wanted some of this.
JTT, I’m coming for you!